I used to cringe at the sight of trinket hustlers in foreign countries. You know the ones. The packs of loud women in native dress hawking cheap sweaters. The swarming taxi driver mobs at airports. The Oscar-quality child actors with hands out for handouts.
I used to wince. Then I heard my old high school football coach one day as I tried to avoid a mob of sellers. A bromide of his somehow crept back in my mind.
"The best defense is a good offense," the gravelly voice echoed.
Yes. Yes! Enough dodging and ducking. The hustlers are part of the whole travel experience. Embrace them. From that day on, I've learned to hate the seller-buyer war and love the bombardment.
After more than a year on the road, here's our favorite ways to throw the hustlers off their game.
Kill her with kindness
Learn how to say, "I want to buy a kiss" in the native language. It's a sure-fire way to immediately drive most saleswomen (and all salesmen) to the other side of the street. If not, you just found a potential new foreign girlfriend.
Self-bidding war
A seller hands you a pair of sunglasses and asks for $20. Tell him there is no way you'd accept anything less than $30 for such high-quality eyewear. Bid yourself up again, and he'll shake his head thinking you're crazy.
Too rich for my tastes
"Expensive" is the first word we learn in a foreign country. It's "mahal" in Indonesia, "caro" in Latin America and "pang" in Thailand. Whatever the quoted price, yell the word for expensive as if the cost pains you. The comment will inspire a torrent of explanations why the items are properly priced and suggestions where you can take your entirely erroneous opinions.
The thespian
Happy kid playing in the street. Mom sees you coming, yells to her child. Instantly the kid becomes melancholy with droopy eyes and a pouting lip as he hits you up for a donation. It's an acting scene, so take part. Bury your head in your hands and cry along. Nine times out of ten, the boy will know he's been unmasked and start to laugh.
Misdirection play
When approached by a pack of vendors who speak English, ask for directions to a far-off or obscure location. They'll argue among themselves about the best route and forget about selling you anything.
Define yourself out of a job
"Taxi, taxi. Senor, you need a ride?" Kurt's favorite response to the cab hustlers is to ask them if they are "official taxi drivers." They'll say yes and wave a bogus license or useless driving certificate. "Oh, I'm sorry," he'll then say. "We only ride with unofficial taxi drivers."
Say what?
On the beaches of Brazil, we were constantly solicited by men trying to sell sodas, umbrellas and t-shirts. "I only buy from people who think Argentina is the best soccer team in the world," I'd deadpan, spawning looks of horror from the locals. The Brazilians would do anything for a sale...anything, that is, except renounce their beloved soccer team. Note: do not try this technique with soccer hooligans.
Extensive tastes
From the salesman with everything, ask for the impossible. "Got an etch-a-sketch or pogo stick?" But careful for what you ask. Make sure it's way out there. My friend John Dawkins asked for a "falcon rug" as we crossed the border into California from Tijuana one afternoon. We jumped into John's van, laughing. Ten minutes later, a perspiring, panting salesman tapped on the window. He held a large, falcon-crested rug high above his head. Sold.
Language barrier
Learn a few words in an obscure language like, say, Czech. As the hustlers attack, repeat the words over and over. Point to yourself and chant the word "Czech" several times. Confused, they'll shift from English to Spanish to German to French trying to find common ground. After a couple minutes they'll give up in frustration and hound someone else.
Better to give
Ask and you shall receive. Someone offers you a souvenir, take it. Literally. Tell him "thank you for the free gift." He'll grab it back faster than a Christmas present exchange. One salesman, however, turned this technique against us. "I'm happy to give it to you," he said. "But I was hoping you would give me a gift in return. A gift of a few dollars." Ouch. Out-hustled by the hustlers.
